Hello all. Long time, no see. A very long time.


After almost two years and many raging battles with myself, others, alcohol, and doctors, I am finally back. I've beaten the depression, the cutting, the sickness, the doctors, and even my own body. It's a long story. Bear with me.

After I last wrote, my depression and cutting spiralled out of control. I was literally taking chunks out of my skin at times, and sometimes ont even remembering it. I began drinking, which at the time I detested with all my heart, partially because I was unable to sleep, and partially because I was weak and alcohol made me feel pretty, and good about myself, and it helped me pretend I was happy. I still didn't do any drugs (and never will) so at least I have that in my favor. After months of this, I found out I was pregnant. I had just turned twenty, and my boyfriend was twenty-two. We immediately stopped drinking and I did my best to stop cutting, but it was extremely hard. It got better, at least. After a few weeks, however, I had a violent miscarriage. We were devastated, me possibly more than he [I don't mean this in a bad way towards him, but it's almost always harder on a woman, and also because it was my second miscarriage]. We tried to stay together, but in the end, the sadness and the chasm that had opened up between us was unfixable. A few weeks later, we broke up. I'm guessing you all know how well I handle break-ups.....
A few weeks after that, I discovered I was pregnant again. We had barely been talking and had already made separate living arrangements. I was going to be a single mom. Until fate intervened again, and took the third child away from my body as well. This miscarriage almost killed me. I hemhorraged for weeks and bled almost to death.
I began drinking again, and cutting worse than ever. I hated myself and my life and wished it would end. For reasons unknown at the time [but not now] it kept going, as time and life tend to do. My love and I began talking and seeing each other again. Life gradually began to get better.

About this time last year, when my drinking was easing up and my cutting also, we found out for our third and my fourth time that I was again pregnant.
Since this was obviously a high risk pregnancy, I made appointments with specialists and doctors out the anoose to try and keep myself and my child healthy. And they succeeded. After years and years, I finally found a competent doctor. They tested me for a hereditary disease. I have a thyroid problem. Which, by the way, can also mess with your mental health. I was started on a daily medication called Levythroxine, and lo and behold, my child stayed healthy. I passed months of growing fatter and fatter and craving things I don't like--like meat, and chocolate, for example. I passed my twenty-first birthday six months along and stone-sober. And I was delighted to do so.
On Friday, the 13th of March, 2009, I gave birth to the greatest miracle I have ever in my life seen. His name is Avery James Johnson, and he is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, let alone created. I'm not sure if everyone would consider him an art project, but in the end, isn't that what we all are? We use different medias to shape ourselves, create ourselves, find ourselves, change ourselves. What is this if not art?

I don't feel compelled to drink much anymore, and I haven't cut myself in over a year. My scars are slowly but surely fading away as my heart heals. I'm still nowhere near perfect, but it's definitely a start.

By the way...........we'd already set our wedding date when we found out about Avery.......it's this Halloween.